Not “forgiving” someone who wishes to cause you harm with the intent of eventually breaking you doesn’t mean you are making yourself a victim. It’s not even ABOUT forgivness. What does forgiviness have to do with acknowledging there’s someone in your life who makes it their mission to cause you harm?
Dads — Not to be disagreeable (and please forgive me for that), but I don’t necessarily agree that forgiving someone means, “you were wrong, but it’s okay now.” If I feel hurt by someone’s actions, say an affair, it doesn’t mean that someone was wrong (although, sure, many would say having an affair is “wrong”) not does it say all is OK. It just means I acknowledge that I felt hurt by someone’s actions, and I am ready to move past that (not “forgive and forget”; I won’t forget some hurts but I will chose not to let them control my life and actions now and in the future. It’s never OK for someone to hurt another person, yet we all know that happens. What we choose to do after that is up to us.

I don’t ALLOW my ex to cause me harm or consider myself his “victim” but I DO have to deal with the reality that the things he does are destructive to my life, as they are intended to be. Reacting isn’t a choice, it’s a neccessity to survival. “Forgiving” or thinking positive does not make the problem go away nor does it change the fact that I must take action to defend myself, my life, my livilihood and my kids best interests. Forgiveness is simply irrelevant in this situation.
A Dude — (and, you are!) Gotta agree with you when you say “With that in mind, it is *most* important to apply forgiveness in present situations.” Like some of my exercise teachers have said — when it hurts and you want to give up, that’s exactly when you push yourself. Hate that!

You said, “If we don’t buy into the hurt that people want to hurl at us, well, what recourse do they have?”
Momma Sunshine — I would never say forgiveness is easy; questioning why we’re forgiving is actually essential to the process. Because if we’re the type who easily forgives because it’s the path of least resistance .., uh, not OK!! We have to know what we’re forgiving, and why.

What they have is a legal system that supports malicious and frivilous legal actions and the lawyers who benefit from it and allow it to continue.
Steve — I don’t think you’re alone in that. There are many things we struggle with; I have, too. I don’t see that as a “bad” thing, just “a” thing we do. Part of the human condition. And, you know, maybe that’s a good thing …

Should I not “buy into” the fact that, as a direct result of my ex’s actions, I am losing my house, have lost my excellent credit, faced criminal charges, spent a whole lot of time, energy and money, not to mention the parenting challenges I have and do face – are all things that without his self-serving and malicious acts against me wouldn’t even exist? Or that it hurts that I should even have to go through this time and time again? Or that justice continues to be denied?

“The only one who suffers is the one doing the hurting”. Yeah, I’m hurting. I’d rather not spend so much of my time and energy just trying to survive and do damage control. For eight years I’ve tried to rebuild my life after divorce but my ex does not want to make that easy for me, and he hasn’t. Doesn’t mean I’m not doing everyhing in my power to keep living the best life possible but “forgiving” him for being such an asshole and causing so much damage – and continuing to do so – is not going to change a damn thing or make anything better.

Forgiveness in this particualr situation is to me, like believing in God or having faith and that it somehow makes you a better person just because you believe it or practice it. Well I don’t “buy into” that. It doesn’t mean I’m not a forgiving person, quite the contrary, it just means that forgiveness has no relevance to the situation I described above.
Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last [type] ..Five &amp Sweet Sixteen

T — I absolutely knew you’d either addressed this or were about to address this or was certainly thinking about this .. because you’re a “thinker,” too. Coming on the heels of what I said to Steve, it’s part of the human condition. Fine, I’m OK with that; bring it on! I just look at it as my brain synapses being refired …


トップ   編集 差分 履歴 添付 複製 名前変更 リロード   新規 一覧 検索 最終更新   ヘルプ   最終更新のRSS